Since 2018 I’ve been undergoing a deep healing, and quite transformative, journey. It hasn’t been easy, and I’ve kept a lot of it under wraps. I felt it was a private journey, one that I was figuring out myself and didn’t even have the words to describe what I was going through. Though I’m still in the thick of it, I feel called to share what has been unfolding behind the scenes. This post will give you the broad overview. At some point, I’ll dive into the details since there are many, many stories to tell with everything that has happened over the past 6 years, but for now, I’ll give you the Birds Eye view:
Back in 2018 I decided to quit a job that made me miserable to pursue my PhD. I thought a PhD would give me the respect I deserved – something I wasn’t getting at the time. Though I didn’t know it yet, quitting my job and going back to school was the start of a pivotal change. However, looking back, I don’t think getting my PhD was it. Though I enjoy school and learning, I don’t think that was what the Universe was trying to get me to realize. In fact, I think getting my PhD was a pivotal changing point because it gave me the time to start reflecting on my life and really question everything.
I started looking around and asking, “Is this really it??” I didn’t feel fulfilled. I started to realize I wasn’t THAT passionate about arts administration. I wasn’t THAT passionate about classical music or the nonprofit arts sector. All of a sudden my world was being flipped and I was starting to wonder who I was and what I was meant to do…which was really scary considering how much money I was, at that time, sinking into yet another degree.
When the pandemic hit in 2020, I had another moment to continue to dig deeper. I was extremely isolated during that time, which gave me a lot of time to myself that I wouldn’t have normally had. To fill the time, I ended up enrolling in astrology classes. This was my first step into my healing journey and spiritual work. It was the first thing that got me to remember who I was at my core, not this version of me that I had morphed into in an effort to be liked by others.
I fell in love with astrology – so much that I took several courses so that I could give readings. If a certification existed, I probably would have taken it. I was fascinated by how our blueprints are right there for the taking. It’s like a handy little key to understanding who we are and what we’re meant to learn this lifetime. I also loved being able to have the knowledge to understand how the energies in our sky affect what happens down here on Earth. The best part is that astrology has so much depth that I’m still learning new things to this day.
But, the journey doesn’t stop there (obviously…). In the Fall of 2020, I began my dissertation and also went back to North Carolina to try and re-establish the arts organization I had previously left. Apparently, they had lost all their staff and the organization was on the brink of failure (this will be a story for another day). I stayed there until the summer of 2022 and, long story short, it was a highly toxic environment for me (again) and I was miserable. Though I was still participating in spiritual practices, I felt more lost than ever. I was working a job I hated, in an organization that treated me like complete crap. I was stressed from trying to finish my dissertation and graduate with my PhD. I was hanging by a thread during that time which resulted in some not-so-healthy habits like binge eating and drinking and DoorDashing my meals. I had stopped working out (which was something I used to always make time for) and felt like I could sleep 12hrs a night and not feel rested. It’s no wonder that I was at my absolute heaviest weight at that time and felt anxious and depressed.
I did at least start implementing a few good things around that time: I dug deeper into astrology and my own spiritual practices. I began receiving regular reiki treatments that certainly helped re-align me to what I needed to be doing. I started somatic therapy which has been a godsend for me. I booked readings with various spiritual teachers and healers to really try and figure out what the hell was going on and what I needed to do. All of this led to me finishing my PhD, and eventually quitting that job and moving back home to my parents in 2022.
You’d think I would have learned my lesson at this point. Well, sorry to burst your bubble but I certainly did not. Unfortunately, I was continuing to look outside myself for answers instead of within…a lesson I clearly still had not learned despite all my spiritual work. This led to me taking a job in the Fall of 2022 in West Palm Beach, Florida.
I had a bad gut feeling about this job from the very first interview. Had I learned my lesson, I would have listened to my body and not accepted the job. But, as you know, I hadn’t learned that lesson yet. I ended up accepting the job offer, despite the anxiousness in my body, and ended up $10,000 in debt to make the move to South Florida.
I’ll save all the amazing details for another day, but I stayed at that job for only one year because it was so bad. However, despite how bad that job was, I did so much personal growth and had many realizations during that year. I was still in survival mode, but I dug deeper into my somatic therapy to really get in touch with my body and my emotions. I ended up signing on with my health coach to really try and get my health (and life) in order. I was trying to just survive most days. And don’t get me wrong, there were some fun moments down there and I did meet some great people, but I was still miserable. I realized my boss was a narcissist, I was being disrespected, and I never really felt like I belonged there. Despite the ocean being minutes away, it just didn’t feel like home.
After one awful day at work where my boss yelled at me in front of the entire staff to “use me as an example,” I realized I needed to get out. I applied to so many jobs and got a lot of interviews, but none of them transpired into anything. The time came to renew my apartment lease, and I had a choice to make: quit the job and move back home (again) or suck it up and be financially broke while I sold my soul to an organization that was highly dysfunctional and toxic.
Well…I chose to get the hell out of there. I quit and made the 1,300 mile move back to Michigan to live with my parents in November 2023.
Thankfully, it didn’t take long for me to find another job. In December 2023, I got a new job outside of the nonprofit arts sector. I’m happy to say the work environment is so much more supportive with way less stress, and allows me to do my job without all the fear and dysfunction I was used to. I’ve been able to live at home with my parents to pay down all the debt I acquired moving to South Florida to begin with and I’ve been able to regulate my nervous system to a point where I’m not living in a constant state of fight-or-flight mode (though this is still a work in progress!).
I learned, yet again, that I wasn’t aligned. That I wasn’t on the right path. I knew that if I was truly aligned, life wouldn’t be that hard. I was done with hard. I was done with challenging. I wanted ease and flow. What I realized was that if I was truly living in alignment with myself, that life would be easy. It would be in flow. It would be abundant. Because I would be 100% in touch with myself, my body, and my emotions.
Since moving back home, I have started to feel more ease and flow little by little. The new job and living with my parents have been a huge help in that endeavor as both combined have allowed me to focus on my wellbeing and to get back to that same question of, “who am I really?” Though I’m still in the process of trying to answer that question, I have dug even deeper in my healing journey since the start of 2024. To do that, I had made a commitment to myself that this year would be the year I focus on my health and wellbeing because I knew that I needed to build a foundation on which to work from. With help from my somatic therapist and health coach, I’ve really dug in, questioning everything in my life to determine if it is truly aligned with who I am and who I’m becoming. Because that’s the thing with wellbeing: it’s not just about physical health. It’s everything: physical, mental, emotional, relational, financially, spiritually…you name it. Every facet of your life plays a role in your wellbeing and whether you are truly aligned or not. I’m not so naive to know that there won’t be challenging days, but I do believe we can live a happy, aligned life the majority of the time. And that’s what I’m aiming for.
I’m not sure where I’m headed, but I do know that I’m committed to showing up for myself and my wellbeing. I’m committed to my healing. And I’m committed to living a life aligned to me. No more hard. I want the ease and the flow. I want a life I’m excited to live for. And that means living on my terms, in a way that is aligned for me.
Will you join me?
Keep going!
💛🫶🏻✨